Thursday, 27 December 2012
The NRA's Wayne LaPierre is beginning to look a lot like Milhouse.
press statement that armed guards should stand outside infants' classrooms. He is loaded, his guns are loaded, his arguments are loaded. But does that mean he's wrong? His sensitivity as to the correct moment to open his mouth is that of a baby hiding from the Nazis. But does that mean he's wrong? Let's consider the evidence. His face.
Allowing for the difference in age, skin colour, and creator's medium his physiognomy betrays clear similarities to that of Milhouse Van Houten. The conformist hairline, the myopic gaze, the weak chin, the intelligent forehead, submissive ears and imploring eyebrows all give clues as to natural temperament, the raw material to be moulded by the forces of nurture.
And while Wayne's schooling was unarguably the better-heeled of the two, taking place at the Patrick Henry high school in Ranoake, VA. many of the same pressures and motivators that afflicted Milhouse at Springfield Elementary, apply to Wayne. Like Milhouse, Wayne was studious, majoring in Education and surely would, like Milhouse In Series 21 Episode 2, have supposed that life's answers were to be found in a bookstore. Like Milhouse too, he was ambitious. The former was hoping to become a Krusketeer in Season 19 episode 20, the latter aspired and achieved the post of director of National Fish and Wildlife foundation. But a closer look at their schooling reveals how bullying and a stress on the importance of collateral superiority impacted both their world outlooks. The bullying regime at Springfield was merciless. Where his friend Bart was humiliated by Jimbo, Kearney, Nelson and Dolph, Milhouse too was victim to their primary bullying. Nelson: I want you to keep filling your shirt with crud until I get back. Milhouse: Yes, sir. (Season 4, Episode 20.) But Milhouse also suffered secondary bullying by his supposed friend Bart. 'Hey, Bart. I shaved my head like you told me.' he says in Season 18, Episode 4. Though there is less television archive available for Patrick Henry High, conditions for the sensitive and God-fearing could hardly have been any better. A quick look at the school's alumni confirms a culture unsympathetic to the weak-chinned. Tony Atlas, bodybuilder and wrestler, Long Dong Silver, a well endowed actor, George Lynch of the NBA, and NFA professionals Chris Combs and Shannon Taylor. These names must have loomed as large for Wayne as those of Jimbo and his cronies at Springfield. Powerless, the hopes and dreams of Wayne and Milhouse would have shriveled at the prospect of competing. Milhouse had a crush on a mannikin in Banana Republic's window. He had become that 'lowest form of life, a sidekick' (Season 21 Episode 10). And despite the muscular reputation of the gun-toter with its poster image of a greased up Charlton Heston, it is to the weak that guns have their appeal. As Milhouse himself states prophetically in Season 18, Episode 11, an episode entitled Revenge Is a Dish Best Served Three Times, "Having a weapon at school has really made things awesome." At a young age, poor, frightened Wayne must have come to the same solution. But Milhouse Van Houten and Wayne LaPierre are not thugs, as indicated by the extra capital letter and syllable of European provenance that each family appears to have awarded their surnames. Justification for taking up arms should rightfully be sought from the bookstore. Milhouse and Bart found the bible provided ample entitlement to use 'swears'. Wayne and his friends found the second amendment to the US constitution to be his source material for mandatory gun ownership. "A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed." What that means is that individuals should be able to defend themselves against the brutal, strong arm tactics of the over-endowed. Those school tyrants like Dawn Hochsprung and Victoria Soto who, over endowed with bravery and selflessness, faced down a lunatic with a Bushmaster .223 combat rifle. (Hell, if it wasn't for the campaigning work of Wayne LaPierre, such guns wouldn't even be available to the public.) OK, both gave their lives to save the lives of children that weren't even their own. But to the likes of Wayne and Milhouse, that just means they exceeded their authority, getting involved in the lives of others like those do-gooders in the media and the government. For that reason Wayne LaPierre felt he must speak out. The brave are imposing their liberal ideas on the weak. And you know what that makes them? Nazi Communists.
Although to be fair, Milhouse is just a cartoon character.